Confliction

 

The past week seems like a blur. Like a blink of an eye that I missed. A flash of time that I barely got to absorb. Intense storm of energy that just swept me up and carried me to here and now on Monday. 

I feel like there has been a block within me that I can't break through. There is a cloudiness that I can't see through. I can't get to my inner clarity. I can't see the path ahead. But that could just be my self doubt. I cant certainly feel the inner noise returning again since having it swept clear in Mexico. 

I feel like so much has happened so fast and there is a sudden wave crashing back in of discouragement. The ego trying to tell me I am playing an imposter. The words of positivity and affirmations I have been speaking seem empty. It's hard to not have a clear and solid goal in mind. 

The intention was always to be HAPPY. I deserve to be happy. That was what I longed for the most. It's interesting and messy and chaotic trying to figure out what happiness could mean for me. I am doing all these things, all this work to discover what resonates with me the most. Like I'm waiting for something big to hir me to make it all make sense, some big "Ah-ha" moment that people seem to get. The moment when they find God, the moment when life hits them in the face and they realize THIS is what they need to do, THIS is how they should act. 

I think I long for that, but I don't know if that is meant for me - and what if it isn't? There is no right and wrong for how to walk life's path.

I create it. 

But there is still doubt and fear within me. I think I'm trying to find a way to clear it, but I can't figure out how or what it is that is holding me back.

Is it the deep feelings of self-worth that I don't feel like I'm worthy of such success and?

Is it that I don't know where to navigate to make great things happen?

I'm trying to be as open an accepting as possible.

The quiet moments are the hardest. 

When I'm not participating in a lecture for my school program, when I'm not on a call with Karla for therapy, or Vanessa for integration. When I'm not joining the Manifesting Humanity group every other Tuesday.

A voice of conflict keeps pulling me in all different directions mentally. WHY are you doing this, how did you end up here? 

I AM SURROUNDED BY SUPPORT AND GUIDANCE. 

But I can't connect to it. I can't make sense of the good things happening for me because I can't see the outcome of it all. 

I'm so afraid to let go and appreciate the unexpected and wonderful opportunities that have come my way. The hesitation makes me scared that my thoughts will sabotage my progress.

I can feel it now, the tightening in my chest, the anxiety starting to take over, all the thoughts flooding in of panic and confusion. The tears that are just under the surface welling up. 

YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS - I keep trying to convince myself of this. 

The conflict with the ego, the trickster, the imposter, a battle that rages within my head. Thoughts swimming around in a soup of chaos. All the negatives. Sadness and frustration. But why? 

Because I don't have a job? 

Yes.  

The feelings of being "green" in a field I am unfamiliar with but somehow feel connected to. 

I feel so small in the world I am stepping into. But so much inside me that wants to burst out. The potential, the thoughts, to share how far I've come. 

What am I trying to prove? Am I trying to speak words to show others how far I've come, what I've been able to overcome? Is it more to myself? The validation from where? From others? From myself?

I have come so far so fast.

I listened to The Emerald Podcast - Guardians & Protectors

Coincidently it was recommended to me by Vanessa, then again during my Vital study group on Friday.

It was an interesting listen. 

So much to take in and understand that there is positive and negative forces working within nature and the universe at all times, and we must be aware of it.

I truly feel that I had not been in control of myself for 38 years. There was a massive negative force and entity that had taken over me for so long that was holding me captive in myself. The continued despair and doubt and fear. I EXPELLED THIS FORCE when I took the DMT in Mexico. I FELT the release, the expulsion of this dark energy and spirit. 

The truth is I think I am terrified I will let it back in. I don't think it exists any longer, but the ego is trying to convince me to just flirt with the possibility again. 

I still need to break free and break through and I am trying to figure out what is needed to do this.

Why does Bali keep coming up? Is it cliche? But why does it keep coming to me? 

I am desperate for guidance, but does the answer need to come form within me? 

The theme is conflict. I don't want my progress to be in vain. I can't let the ego, the fear and the darkness win.