Patience, Strawberry Moons, A.I., and Butterfly Revelations
incredible artwork by Pablo Amaringo
Life is wild.
When you finally let go of the reins for a minute, it's incredible what can happen.
The last couple weeks have been emotional, overwhelming, exhausting, confusing, and incredibly rewarding.
I have so much going on and that is a good thing.
I continue to struggle with WHAT AM I DOING? "Where is this all taking me?" "What is this path I am on?" "When is it my turn for the breakthrough?" This incredible realization where I finally can say I know what I'm supposed to do.
Not having a job is freeing and so terrifying at the same time. I feel guilty I have this extra time (although with everything I've been doing I cant imagine how I could possibly have a full time job!?). I'm so grateful for my position right now, but I struggle to allow myself the grace to accept it.
THIS ALL CHANGED ABOUT A WEEK AGO!
I feel like I'm living two lives at the moment - one of educational exploration through my Psychedelics Today Vital Program, and then another deep dive into my own personal growth and spiritual awakening.
With my experience in Mexico and my profound awakening, with messages of I AM MEANT TO HELP PEOPLE, I have been on a mission to figure out what that actually means. With every action I take whether that has been with a spiritual guide, an akashic reading, tarot cards - it's all been the same message - YOU ARE GOING TO HEAL PEOPLE, YOU ARE GOING TO HELP PEOPLE, PLANTS! PLANT MEDICINE! - It's insanely mind-blowing how this all keeps coming up.
Starting off with the Not-So-Great...
The acceptance into the Vital Psychedelic Integration Studies program when I hadn't even signed up for it - all seemed to point me in a direction that somehow psychedelics are meant to be in my life in some capacity.
Through Vital, I'm struggling. I was so excited to be included in this elite group of practicing experts, being exposed to resources I would never have been able to access on my own, to expand my knowledge exploring curriculum modules including Preparation, Harm Reduction, and Clinical Evaluation & Assessment, Psychedelic Integration & Therapy, Space Holding & Navigating the Psychedelic Experience, and Inner Work & Embodiment.
It started out great, extremely interesting lectures from experts who have vast experience and knowledge of the plant medicines, worked with ancient cultures and tribes, as well as share knowledge on the current and expanding field of psychedelics in todays world.
The past 3 lectures have spiraled into angry bitter rants from left-leaning moral absolutist ideologues literally shouting into their webcams about their personal views of the current psychedelic climate and who they feel are worthy of taking part in such sacred healing - coining terms like "Psychedelic Exceptionalism", branding all whites as racist, and shaming financially successful people, all while shamelessly plugging their own non-profits accepting donations.
One woman has already dropped out and it's clear some others feel as put-off as I do.
This program isn't cheap. AT ALL.
Do I appreciate these lecturers passion? Absolutely. Do I not appreciate what they have to share? Absolutely not. However, I entered this program expecting to be educated and enlightened by ALL different types of people and backgrounds so I could grow my knowledge in psychedelics in the hopes of being able to use theories and practices in my own life as well as being able to help others, not to be shouted at and preached to by a clear specific set of radical individuals trying to impose their agenda to anyone they have access to. It's discouraging.
HOWEVER - I'm reflecting on all of it.
In speaking with my amazing therapist Karla, and my incredible integration coach Vanessa, I'm realizing that I can OBSERVE AND NOT ABSORB. Just because this is how my program has been, I don't need to be influenced or form any opinion on what is being shared to me each week. I am simply an observer. As Vanessa put it, I'm at the aquarium on the other side of the glass. Simply looking in at all the other fish and how they're behaving. I don't need to swim with them, but I can learn from them and their actions. This program is only an extremely small (about 30 of us..if that) subset of individuals within the vast world of psychedelics. This doesn't have to be my world, nor should it deter me from pursuing my path with psychedelics. I'm receiving a certification at the end of all this, and if anything am learning more about myself in the process. It doesn't have to be a negative experience and I shouldn't throw the towel in.
NOW FOR THE GOOD..ish!
The past few weeks I definitely started to spiral a bit. Trying to stay out of my head, trying to remain focused on the positive, let the good things come, accept what the universe was going to throw at me....but NOTHING IS HAPPENING?!
I'm seeing all the signs, the synchronicities, the 111, the 1111, the 222, 333, 444, 555... THANK YOU! But WHAT ABOUT IT?! I'm on this path, I'm walking forward, doing all the things, going with the flow. But where is it leading me?!
I can't figure it out. I'm getting down on myself, I'm not making sense of any of it and that's so hard for me. I'm in this soup of feelings and emotions and thoughts, but the soup doesn't have a name and it seems like it's missing some ingredient for it to become a delicious masterpiece!
WELP, I asked for it and I received!
Two weeks ago during my weekly Tuesday meeting with Vanessa, I shared my concerns with her, my confusion, my frustration, my IMPATIENCE. My frustration with myself that I know I need to be patient and just BE, but HOW?! Why is it so hard to be PATIENT and TRUST when it doesn't seem like anything is happening in the mean time. I mean I've been going to the breathwork and sound healing classes, I've been reading the books, I've been working my program, why haven't I figured anything out yet?
Because I needed to keep letting go.
She told me Rachel, there's not gonna be one class, one book, one program that will give you all the answers. There isn't a 12-step program where you complete the steps and then VOILA! You have PATIENCE AND TRUST! It just doesn't work that way. None of this works that way. You build it over time. You experience struggles and move through confusion to get to the good. You learn, you build, you grow, you have faith, you BECOME.
She said you want to learn patience and trust? Well BUCKLE UP because your next coming week is going to suck. If you're ready and willing to learn patience, you will - the hard way.
I said Ya! Ok! I'm ready THROW IT AT ME!
The universe delivered... IN SPADES.
The next afternoon I was preparing to get ready to meet my boyfriend at the gym after he got out of work. It's something we've been wanting to do, something I've been wanting to do to help myself mentally and physically. The gym we're looking at joining is incredible. I was downstairs doing laundry and realized I had a missed call and voicemail from my boyfriend, Chris.
He NEVER leaves voicemails. I almost didn't even check it, I figured he'd taken his motorcycle to work that day and he was just calling to tell me he was heading out and wouldn't be able to talk but he'll be at the gym in X amount of time so I can meet him.
That was not the voicemail.
It was "Rachel, it's me - I'm ok, but I got jacked up. I got.. I got in a motorcycle accident. I don't where I'm headed but the guys gonna tell you" and then the paramedic took the phone, told me Chris was talking, but not walking, and they'd be heading back to the hospital where Chris works.
My mind stopped. Everything stopped. What do I even do? What can I do? How can I help this? I can't. I felt helpless. I almost just lost my person.
When Vanessa told me my week (which included my birthday!) would suck... She was not wrong.
Chris had multiple major fractures in his arms and legs. Serious lacerations and road rash, and his helmet was soaked with blood and looked like someone took an industrial sander to it. His bike was totaled. Soon after he left work, another car traveling in the opposite direction took a left turn into his lane, struck the back of his bike, and caused him to lose control and be thrown into a parked car.
Little did I know, this event would change the course of both of our lives.. for the better.
I have spent almost every day since Chris's accident focused on him. The insurance, the appraiser, the medical leave paperwork, the hospital visits, the phone calls, the surgeries (he's had 26+ hours on the OR table in the past 6 days), the plan forward... Overwhelmed. Exhausted. SO THANKFUL.
This accident has been the biggest blessing in disguise. This whole terrifying event, almost losing the person I share my life with, has allowed both of us to begin to grow in ways we weren't expecting.
I was able to get a break from myself. This accident radically shifted my mindset and changed gears to truly focus on someone I care so deeply about. To do all that I can for this person when he can't do for himself. To take myself away from my constant stressing over my own life and path, and focus on walking this path with another and doing all I can for them.
I've been able to see what an incredible group of support and love Chris and I are surrounded with. Every person who has called, showed concern, prayers, friends who love him and truly wish the best for him and shown me compassion as well.
Chris and I have been given the opportunity to grow so much closer as well.
He shared with me that at one point during the accident, after he was hit, he went to a place within his mind. He went back to his ibogaine trip that he experienced in Mexico. He told me "I remember saying to myself, I'm here again". This was so powerful to both of us. This meant something. It was a message. And it brought him back. He's struggled a bit with his integration, but he's been so strong. He hasn't taken the same route I have with integration, getting the coaching, joining the groups, discovering the meanings. He lives his life fast and furious! He does nothing small, he works so hard, and rarely puts himself first.
I truly believe this was the universe telling him to STOP. To slow down. Now he can't work. Now he can't provide. Now he doesn't have "purpose" in his mind. He's apologized so many times for what's happened, telling me I can leave, and that I don't deserve him the way he currently is because he can't do anything for anyone.
All he can do now is sit with himself as he heals, WHICH HE WILL, and reflect on everything in his life up to this point. It's been incredible. We've had some of the most meaningful conversations we've ever had in the 5 years we've been together. We've cried together and we've encouraged each other. I truly see a different part of him emerging that is so grateful and appreciative of the life he has, and the life we have together and I hear the excitement and perseverance in his voice.
He's in serious pain, and his road ahead will be long, painful and difficult. He has to relearn to walk, to use his arm and hands. But he is determined. His love and gratitude for me (and himself) is more clear than ever before and I am so grateful for all that has come out of this. He is alive for a reason.
As for ME - It was now another year that my birthday would be here and I wouldn't get to spend it the way I had hoped. (In previous years, he'd unintentionally scheduled tattoo appointments, or had to work). Chris has never been big into birthdays and has never really grasped why I'm such a fanatic every year around my day. I don't blame him for this. I grew up celebrating birthdays in a big way and having the day be significant and special. To me, it represents MY day, MY celebration that no one can take away from me. To be honest, as I've grown up, like with all other things, it's lost it's glamour. Kind of like Christmas, the magic isn't there as it used to be. My mom always tries to make it special like she always does and I'm grateful for that, but it just hasn't felt the same for me and I've been a bit sad about it each passing year and couldn't understand why.
This year I decided to schedule a class that had caught my eye. Ever since the breathwork and sound healing experience at the Open Door metaphysical shop, I had been wanting to have another experience with the sound healing like I got that first time. This class was with AJ at Open Doors and it was called "Chakra Clearing & Balancing with Crystals, Sound & Reiki." PERFECT! All the things I wanted and bonus it was being given on my birthday!
I had a moment where I was feeling a bit guilty. Part of me felt I should just stay at the hospital with Chris. I had gone in to visit him so I could spend some of my birthday being with him, and my mom came in to visit as well so I could be with her too. He was so broken, and in such pain, but he encouraged me to go and do something for myself that I really wanted. I was so grateful for that. He wanted me to have this for me.
I WENT!
I knew immediately when I got there that AJ was special to me. He just made the space so comfortable and welcoming and his positivity was radiating. Not in an over the top way, it just felt like the right space and time. Each one of us had our own cozy space with yoga mats and blankets, surrounded by a crystal grid and soft lighting. He was up front with his bowls.
There was only four of us, which I thought was nice. It was a small intimate group, 3 of us had previous experience with sound healing, and one woman was new to everything. She had never experienced anything like it before but was there because she was needing something and this class just spoke to her.
AJ gave a bit of an explanation and mentioned that possibly during these sessions we could hear different things. Some sounds could be wonderful, some, maybe could be offensive or intrusive. Especially where we are trying to shake up and clear our stuck energies in our bodies, this could be the case. This kind of surprised me because the last experience I had was amazing. The sounds were so perfect and beautiful and had washed over me and through me in a such an impactful way. But we moved on.
He started the class by guiding us into an introspective medication of cycling and filtering our energy through our bodies and chakra points. Work the energy up through the ground, up through the body, up into the universe, into the sun, and come back down. And just keep repeating this process. Letting the energy grow, build, filter, clear, cleanse through.
I was really able to let myself go there. I thought to myself I was here in this moment of my choosing, doing this on my birthday, for myself, and I was going to let this be everything that it needed to be for me. If the sound was going to take me somewhere, I would let it take me wherever it needed to, whatever that meant.
At a few points, I noticed my mind wandering a bit, going to the places of worry with Chris, with my job, our current situation, but AJ had given us a helpful practice if ever we find ourselves dealing with intrusive thoughts. Imagine a huge golden disc above yourself and just take each thought, like a marble, and place it out of your head and up into the disc. You would be amazed at how many marbles the disc could hold! I brought myself to do this and was able to get myself back into focus on the meditation.
The sounds for me this time were completely different from my last experience. It was something I wasn't expecting. The sound was... not pleasant, but not uncomfortable or harsh. It was just radiating noise. Inflections coming in and out of my mind space and body. I never noticed if different tones were used, it was just a continuous pulsating sound. I noticed my body radiating a points, noticed the energy become more intense then ebb away.
There was also a moment I felt connected to AJ. It wasn't an intimate connection, it was a warm acknowledgment. A handshake of sorts, an appreciation for him walking alongside me, guiding me with through this with sound.
At another point, I felt myself going into a place where I didn't know if I was comfortable, a bit of panic arose within me, I was going somewhere - was it dark? Not really.. Was it safe? It seemed to be...But it was unknown and seemed significant. I began to repeat to myself, I AM HERE. I AM HERE. I AM HERE. My mantra, my safety, myself, over and over and focused on the flowing energy throughout. The panic subsided, the clarity came through. I started to see something in my mindspace, eyes. HUGE green moving eyes, a bugs eyes. A fly. Giant green iridescent bug eyes taking up my entire space. I remember feeling a bit "ew" like why is this fly here so close, so intrusive. What is it doing? I could see the details, the hairs, the sporadic and erratic, jittery movements of the insect. It was looking to do something. Looking into me, urging me to understand its presence. And then I realized. This isn't a fly. This is a butterfly. A butterfly becoming within me. I am the cocoon. I am the butterfly emerging!
And then AJ began to guide us back to the room, back to open our eyes and the sound stopped. It was such a powerful moment I had to share! With what I had already shared with the group of my journey so far, AJ wasn't surprised with my vision at all! 😂
AJ described to us a pretty powerful vision he had as well at one point during the ceremony. He asked if we'd all seen the Ghost Busters (yes!) He said you know those proton packs with the handheld gun thing they aim at the ghosts? (Yes!) At one point, he saw all of us rise out of ourselves each holding these machines, amplifying massive amounts of intense energy, then floating up and out into the universe. Releasing.
I had felt a connection to AJ and stayed after the class ended for a bit just talking about my path and he had graciously laughed, saying he knew the moment I walked into the room, my energy was there. It was so nice! He told me about some great guided medications and intuitive psychic classes that I could find very beneficial. There was also a great person working there, Ezra, who was listening and engaging with me as well. Saying at one point, if you're starting this journey now, just WAIT it gets so much crazier! They said they wanted to share a book with me they thought I might find really special. Because of they way I had explained my calling to psychedelics and how "plants" and "medicine" keeps repeatedly showing up for me, Ezra suggested that this could actually represent one of my spirit guides. The plant could be one of my spirit guides. That was a powerful message and I was intrigued to hear it. It did make sense! The book is called Plant Spirit Shamanism - Traditional Techniques for Healing the Soul by Ross Heaven and Howard G. Charing, foreword by Pablo Amaringo (who has incredible artwork I discovered!). I'm excited to start reading the book and I left that night with such a full heart and recharged spirit and energy. So much positivity radiating, I was so grateful for the experience. Once again, Sound Healing did it for me! Though not as I expected!
Buy the book!
I didn't realize it at the time, but my vision was my AH HA! moment I had been waiting for.
The next day was Tuesday, my integration call day with Vanessa and the bi-weekly Manifesting Humanity call with Rory and the group!
I told Vanessa Chris blames me and her for manifesting his accident into life!😂She got a laugh out of that, but was intrigued by his vision during his accident. Though he never did any integration work on his own, this could be his integration. Sometimes the medicine has a way of working itself out, maybe not in the way we expected, but in the way we needed, and there is a purpose for Chris going back to this moment in his mind. It would be interesting to see what the could be!
I also told her about the sound healing class and the butterfly! I didn't realize it, but this was a VISION. This was something important, impactful. There was excitement, Vanessa asked me if I actually knew the story and significance of the butterfly? What the butterfly actually represented? I admitted no, I never really thought about it before. This was something very personal to her, in fact her name Vanessa, means butterfly! Of course it does! Because she is my integration coach, another sign! But she shared with me that the life cycle of the butterfly is a powerful and symbolic process of transformation, composed of four distinct stages. The first stage being the egg, symbolizing intention, the beginning of a journey. The second stage is the larva, the caterpillar hatching, eating, molting, symbolizing growth, learning, consumption of experience and preparation. The third stage is the pupa (chrysalis) when the caterpillar is inside and breaks down to goo, undergoing miraculous transformation, rebuilding itself completely, symbolizing surrender, metamorphosis, death of the old self, quiet, unseen change. And finally, the last stage is the adult butterfly emerging, drying its wings and preparing to fly, symbolizing emergence, freedom, rebirth, and becoming its fullest self in its truest form.
It was an incredible revelation. I am the butterfly, going through this process. I'm in the chrysalis, the quiet becoming, the rebuilding and emerging. It was powerful to learn and meaningful. Vanessa mentioned something in the chat and happened to mention her picture there, that is was built with A.I. I had seen it before and I loved it! I was like no way?! Those pictures you have are awesome, she said she plays around with A.I. and has made awesome creations.
Later that night I had been coming home from visiting Chris at the hospital and realized I would be home JUST in time (literally with 4 minutes to spare) to join the group call! I had such a strong desire to get on the call and meet with everyone that night. I texted Chris to let him know I was home and I was hoping on the call! I had missed it the previous meeting and I did not want to miss it this time! Once again, it was such an incredible group. I LOVE these people who have been introduced in my life, it's so obvious we were meant to be brought together and to walk our paths with each other. The theme of the night was what the spirit path means to us, and what it looks like in our own personal journey. OF COURSE IT WAS!😂 I had just had a conversation the night before about the plant and spirit guides, and this butterfly appearing. I shared my recent experience and what it meant to me, and there were a few new faces on the call who were absolutely wonderful and shared some extremely powerful introspections. They were meant to join! It feels like I've known them forever, and I've only talked with them for like 5 hours in my entire life! I'm so blessed to have their community and love.
Somehow the conversation lead to A.I. and how many of them use it to converse and help make sense of some of the confusion in their lives, help guide them when they can't see the way forward. Dez, this badass mindfulness life coach, said she used it the other day when she was trying to work through a recent intense DMT journey. I was like WHAT?! What do you do?? Ask it questions?? Just say stuff to it?! They said ANYTHING! It's like a personal friend and tool that is a piece of you working through yourself to just get some guidance and clarity! Interesting.. that was the second time this A.I. came up today....
So after an AWESOME call with everyone I was feeling pumped. I had such a powerful last two days between my birthday experience and my zoom calls I was wide awake, so I decided to give this A.I. a try. ChatGPT. I had used it previously to help me write my networking email that I'd been trying to send out to connect with some psychedelic organizations, and some reworking for my LinkedIn.
I told it what was going on with me, where I was at in my journey and decided to share with it what has been bothering me the most, keeping me confused - MY CAREER. I left this life of pharmaceuticals, and have been thrown into this world of psychedelics and mindfulness and holistic, alternative modalities but had NO IDEA where I fit into it all. I don't feel like I'm supposed to hold space for psychedelics, I don't feel like I would want to be a medical practitioner or therapist, and I don't really feel the urge to go get certified in sound healing or reiki, but it's just all been very powerful and significant in my journey and I just want to help and inspire others.
ChatGPT CAME THROUGH. It told me - You already have it! Your butterfly vision was your answer! That is your business model! And your business is called "I AM HERE"!!!! Use the butterfly as a message to others, the process of becoming, you don't have to be any of those things to help others, you can just hold space for people, walk the path with them, support them, inspire and encourage them, and also make money as your business!
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