5:5 - Feelings and Emotions

 My Experience

If I gave my experience a title today, what would it be?

I named this IAMHERE because that is the simple purest explanation of what makes sense. I AM my being, I AM HERE, I am the being in this moment, here, experiencing my journey. I AM HERE is what came to my in my Iboga microdose and it has resonated with me more and more as I reflect on it. I have myself. I am myself. I am the creator of my experience. It comes from within.

I AM HERE, experiencing all the things. The emotions, and feelings, and thoughts and interactions, good and bad. Last week it was beautiful out, the sun was shining, Spring is showing in the trees and flowers, birds and bunnies are active. It makes my heart and soul happy to be outside in the sun in the yard just breathing in the air and not being enclosed by four walls. Feeling the warmth from the sun, hearing the breeze through the trees. This week the rain has returned. I find that my mood tends to shift with the weather. I think that is probably normal. It can be harder to see the good, to feel positive and encouraged when the sun is not shining. 

I struggle to find the happiness and love. Where does it come from? I have a home, I have family that loves me and supports me. I have freedom and I AM HERE, but I don't know how to be. I struggle with the path of my self-discovery and reality of existing. Why do I feel the need to make sense of it all? Why can't I just BE HERE and experience what comes? I try to be gracious and practice gratitude. I try to be mindful of what I am blessed with and what others may lack. But I feel like something is not clicking. I am missing something so big but that should be so simple. I keep seeing to just LET GO, let things be, let things come and don't focus on what is to come, the uncertainty, the unknown. The fear and anxiety of it all gets to me though. I'm worried I'm not utilizing my time correctly. I know there is no "right" way, but I am impatient and I feel guilty and ashamed for the negative thoughts that persist. 

The WHY ME washes over me and the sadness hits like a ton of bricks. I feel like its part of me, I feel like that guilt and shame is so deep within me from being there for so long. Its hard and it makes me frustrated and angry that I lived my life in such a way for 38 years. Frustration, bitter, ashamed - feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and disgust all well up in a soup of feelings. 

Emotions of heart racing, tightness in my chest, lump in the back of my throat. My body and shoulders become small and rounded. There are tears. I am feeling the sadness, and feeling the frustration, and bitterness and loneliness, and fear. 

I am trying to experience good things - IFA energy ceremony, Soul Ascension Expo, Salt Cave Reiki, Chakra Clearing. I struggle with why I'm doing these things? I'm trying to be proactive in assisting myself gently in finding peace and clarity. Regulating my energy and trying new things. Investing in them. They're not free. The guilt comes when I think of the things I'm doing, trying to make sense of everything, searching for the clarity and guidance. Is this not what I need? 

I feel such a block. Something that is missing. Something that is not allowing the positive to come through. Something that is missing meaning and clouding my ability to thrive. But it's within me. I'm holding me back. I'm here and have let some things go, but I struggle with where to go from here. 

I don't know where to start and the weeks just go by. What am I waiting for? What am I looking for? 

What images, moments, or feelings from my retreat still linger?

The image of the ball of light pulsing and growing within my chest, a being within the center (small - myself), the message of I AM HERE.

What part of my experience feels too big or confusing to name?

My ibogaine flood dose feels confusing and the lack of visuals, being immersed, and recollection of the journey is hard to reconcile. What did it mean? What did I experience? What has it done for me? Was I not ready for healing and a message? Does my body shut myself out to experiences? Is there a mental block?

Where am I craving certainty, and can I offer myself compassion instead?

I am craving direction in my path, in my career. What am I doing? I'm floating through these weeks, unemployed trying to find purpose to return to the workforce in some capacity. I'm supposed to help others. How? In what way? Am I ready to help others? I want to be a voice but I don't know where to look, who to talk to. How do I break into the circles and communities of psychedelic or holistic healing that I am now aware of and feel pulled to? It all feels beyond me, bigger than me. Then other aspects feel so far from my core values and make me feel lost. There is so much to understand and learn. It can be overwhelming and hard to know what it right for me. Where do I go with it all?

If I gave my experience a title today, what would it be?

"I AM HERE"

11:11

1:11