Pouring Concrete vs Block Foundation

This was a big realization for me today. I've been feeling like I'm floating around in this soup of information and space of experiences I've been exposed to and it's been hard to reconcile where I fit within it all. Where do I go with all of it?

I've always had a PLAN, an outcome, something to work towards. I'm not doing that now and it's confusing as hell.

If I don't have a goal or an outcome, what exactly am I working towards? Where is this all leading me? That's scary for me not to know.

When I sat with my therapist today, I brought these concerns up and felt like I was an imposter, felt like I was a bit lost in it all, overwhelmed with it all. I don't necessarily have a grounded feeling with anything yet and don't see a clear path forward.

She suggested, maybe it's because you are trying to operate from a poured concrete foundation, when really you can be using the building blocks you are presented with to build your own solid foundation.

AH HA! That was a super helpful way to look at everything and try to "make sense" of it all like I always try to do.

I don't have to be overwhelmed with EVERYTHING I am experiencing, everyone I am interacting with, all the information I am receiving. I am in the process of building my own foundation with the pieces that feel right to me. 

This Vital psychedelic program I am enrolled in is a building block, Rory and the local community of like-minded people who I can share space with is a building block, the breathwork and sound healing I am being exposed to is a building block. My foundation can come together slowly (and it certainly is!) piece by piece and eventually it will all come together in a beautifully crafted, personally constructed, meaningfully intended masterpiece!

The weeks are flying by, yet somehow I think of myself as being "stuck" because it's hard to see the progress without any tangible results. But I AM doing the things. I'm not stuck, I'm experiencing, being, reflecting, absorbing, recognizing. Going through the motions.. and EMOTIONS. All of these "things" are movement and progress. The train is moving forward and I'm definitely on it. The tracks are winding and the destination hasn't been announced yet. And that's OK.

I think back to the 444 I saw after I was accepted into my program. To slow down, take a step back and bring order to the chaos. Build a strong solid foundation for my goals and relationships. 

I saw it again when I was spending time with my group of friends over Memorial Day weekend. Those are the only two times I can recall ever consciously seeing 444. 

I'm where I need to be, stabilizing and expanding. Trusting and having faith in the process.

It's hard. It's confusing and overwhelming. 

My life fell apart so it could be built back up in a special way, for something great. 

This feeling like I still have something to get through or to clear out... 

I've acknowledged the "trauma" and let it go in Mexico, it's gone. 

Learning to live without it seems to be the challenge. 

The anxiety that lingers.. where is it coming from? Not from the "trauma" itself, but the lasting emotional walls I've used for so long to stabilize myself.

I realized I struggle with the breathwork so much because for my entire life, breathing was my control. I used breathing to escape the oncoming panic attacks and escape the terrifying doubt shame and fear I felt. I'm now being introduced to breathing in a whole different way and it's strange to operate in a different space of thought. It doesn't need to be associated with the anxiety, but can be used for peace. 

I discovered this last week when I attempted a short breathwork session on YouTube. I was waiting for the traumatic feelings to come through, for me to have to face and deal with. They never came. It wasn't profound, but it was peaceful, tranquil. 

I'm slowly discovering parts of myself that will help me in the building and constructing of my own beautiful creation of my life. 

I saw 111 during my therapy session this afternoon. I was grateful. I'm working on acknowledging each sign and synchronicity that appears. Thanking the universe for continuing to guide me and comfort me. The signs are there and they come often. I appreciate them for what they are and what they mean to me. A divine reminder and encouragement to stay focused, to trust my intuition, to embrace all the new opportunities and let go of what no longer serves me. 

I'm leaning to build, to be on the ride, and appreciate the process. 

Today was a gift.