I Am Responsible For Not Letting My Own Light Out.

So much has happened.

In two weeks it will be one year since I went to Mexico and my life changed forever. Significantly.

Time has changed. Its sped up. 

I woke up from my DMT trip screaming "I HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL!!"

And the first words that were spoken to me, with a smile, were "welcome home"

It has been a homecoming - to wherever "home" is.

Within less than a year I have threw all caution to the wind and decided to launch a business. Create a sanctuary for others to come and pause and hopefully find some sense of release, or spark to find themselves. It has to start somewhere. I want to provide a place for people that they can come and contemplate, or feel safe to sit and even think that they can begin to heal in any kind of way that they may need to. It has to start somewhere. Creating Sacred Glow Salt Cave is my "potential" coming through as a gift to others to have a chance to experience the gift of a second chance that I was given.

It's been insane. It's been terrifying and confusing and lonely and isolating and crazy and all the things that I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, but I'm doing it.

Especially as the journey continues to develop and leases and agreements are signed, my nervous system doesn't calm, it continues to RAGE, if anything fighting harder than ever to say stop. But I won't, I can't. There is no question (I don't say choice, because there is always a choice) that this is the path forward. 

There have been so many times where I could have thrown in the towel or said this is too much, or this is too scary, or this is too overwhelming - but even in writing this, there is nothing that is actually stopping this. I am the only one who would be in my way to stop this, and stopping isn't in my options. 

I realize in this process, especially the past two weeks since I've signed a lease, that I am so incredibly lucky. I am so grateful for the situation I am in trying to get this business off the ground. I really have zero other obligations that are standing in the way of my goal - the road ahead is literally wide open, and there are so few people who can say that. It's funny because as I write this... this is currently the background of my computer that I'm looking at on my other monitor:

A wide open path ahead, an expanse - it curves and there are bridges to cross, but its clear, and beautiful. I don't have to answer to a 9-5 job, I don't have children I'm trying to raise, I'm not married, though it's not ideal, I do have the financial capability to make this vision come to life. How rare is that. The only struggle I have experienced is with myself, and the continued growth I need to experience for my own personal endeavor.

I have had so many insane circumstances along this road, so many people that have come into my life at the right time that have been pillars of strength and clarity along the way. Yet, when I need to experience something for myself, those that I would reach out to first are not available, which makes me laugh a bit. Because I AM HERE. That has been clear from the very first day I arrived in Mexico, and discovered, and got a glimpse of the self within. The light and love within me, so incredibly powerful and that what the first altering moment and message that has continued to power this movement. It is me, and my choices and my drive and my journey. No one else. I have had incredible support, yes, but no one else is living my experience. That's a pretty powerful and a bit intimidating realization. 

I have pushed myself farther than I ever have before. So many times I could have turned on myself and fallen back into old patterns and old habits, and folded under the constant pressure. I haven't. Literally every day has been a struggle, a battle of my own will. 

They say self discovery and self work is some of the hardest work you'll ever do. And I think that's true. It's so much easier to stay asleep, and avoid, and submit, and stay small. But it's not satisfying, it's not happy, or joyful or rewarding. 

The mental battle doesn't go away, but you begin to question. You begin to push back, and that is not a bad thing. I've been learning SO much, but I know there is still SO MUCH MORE I have to learn, and so much more I have to experience and that's a pretty crazy thought, because so much has already happened. So much has already changed. I am already a completely different person than I was. To be able to pull myself out of the darkest depths of myself and make the choice to save myself was the best decision I ever made. I've come so far and have so much farther to go. So much more to give and to offer and to share. It's exciting and it's hard as hell. 

Something I've learned through this, both personally and professionally is that "momentum doesn't always look like motion" - and that is a hard lesson. We want quick rewards as humans it seems, the quick gratification and satisfaction of the decisions we make, but it's just not reality - at least some times. And it's a hard pill to swallow because it can be discouraging sometimes when you have worked so hard and fought so hard to move forward, only to fall flat, or be disappointed or feel like everything you've done has amounted to so little - but its the bigger picture. At least in my case. The only thing I keep doing is waking up and choosing to move forward the best way that I can, under the circumstances that present themselves to me at that time. Whether it's a huge win or success, or the most seemingly insignificant push I make, it's momentum. 

It's crazy to think that it's still so early in this process yet I feel like I've lived a lifetime. I have actually. I did live a life that I needed to to be able to take the turn to the light and better days ahead. There is still so much more to come. But I'm grateful.