Staying Present With Uncertainty Without Turning On Yourself

I've seen angel numbers since I can remember.

11:11 - its mostly always been 11:11. 

I have known always there is something bigger than me and this life and this experience on this earth that we find ourselves. There has always been a pull. It's always been there, from when I was little. It's never left me alone. 

I'm not a religious person really, not someone who goes to church or prays often, but I've always had faith. And belief. In something bigger than me, because I've always felt it there. Even though I have no words or explanation for it. It's there.

There has been good in my life, as I get older, the nostalgia is heavy. For me it's always Christmas time. It was so magical and happy and exciting and special. The spirit of that time while growing up always stays with me, and has come up pretty often in some of the most significant impactful experiences I've had within the past year. And they actually become stronger. 

As I've become more open and willing to see and accept, I've noticed more. More numbers, more symbolism and meaning in my life. Like a little wink or acknowledgment from that higher power. 

Is it God? What does that mean? Do I feel like I need to go walk into a church and ask for salvation and reason? No. I still don't have a word for it. It seems to be a compilation of all the most wonderful and greatness that I've ever experienced. A guidance, an embrace, a direction, a presence, that is not always in the forefront. Not always holding my hand, but it's just there. 

I had an experience. Stronger than anything I've ever had in my life. Something so impactful that it rattled me to the point of freezing for days to try and make sense or process what I went through.

I'm not sure where it came from, or why, but I think it occurred when it did for a reason, the stress and pressure that I've been feeling lately, the strength it takes to put one foot in front of the other sometimes can be overwhelming. And it has been lately. I've kept moving forward, but I've been exhausted and drained. And then this happened. 

My boyfriend had already gone to be, my body and mind were so tired and exhausted from the work I've been putting in focusing on getting my business up and going. I wanted to relax and just take sit and watch tv and decompress. I took a regular dose of RSO - nothing out of the ordinary or different than I have before. And a drop of liquid cbd/thc with lions mane and ginseng. It's a very tasty elixir that also helps relax the muscles and set the body at ease. 

But something happened on this particular night that hit me harder than my Ibogaine journey in Mexico. 

I was sitting having some chicken fingers when I stopped and realized I can't continue eating - ok, now I'm high. But this was a different high. Something was building inside me. 

I looked down and realized my chest was pounding, my heart was going to explode out of my chest. 

Am I having a heart attack? No. It can't be - I'm just super tense and at a heightened state of anxiety already, this isnt really anything new.

But why is this different?

My dog, who has always been able to alert to my moments of panic attacks was RIGHT there, she would not leave my side. And didn't leave my side through the entire night.

The internal energy and vibration continue to surge and grow. 

I  had to get up and go wake my sleeping boyfriend to make sure nothing was happening, did he experience this? He acknowledged I was just a little high, probably too in my head a bit.

I felt trapped. In my dark house, in my bedroom, on this plane, in this reality. I felt the matrix breaking down around me. It felt like an eternity, and no time at all. It was ominous. Like I was losing control, or fighting it. But a pull at the same time that it was ok to do that. I had to. 

At the same time, the amount of energy surging through me was nothing I had ever experienced before, it felt like I was connected with everything and nothing. I could see the physical toll it was taking on my dog from being so connected with me. She was feeling what I was. I felt bad, but she stayed. 

I could feel fear coming in. There was a pressure, a mocking overarching sense of evil. Evil is the only word I had for it, it was dark and all encompassing, like I was living through the scene in the 1940 Fantasia film, Night on Bald Mountain. This whirl of evil, dancing, celebrating, overpowering.

And I felt terrified. I said out loud I am afraid. I am scared. Of nothing physical, but of demons and Satan and evil forces that were trying to penetrate my mind and world at that moment.

I went into myself, my mantra, I AM HERE, I tried to go deep inside my own soul and inner spirit to protect me and it became so strong I couldn't contain that feeling energetically, it was like I was going to be sick. I needed to purge. And I called out to my boyfriend, I want Jesus, I want God, I want to be in the light, I don't want to be in the darkness. I am good. I'm a good person. I try. 

And I knew I needed to explain why lately I have been so distant with everyone and everything.

Because this powerful force, this thing bigger than me, is guiding me to move forward with my path and my business. It's part of my purpose, my gift than I can give back, it's all consuming. It has been all consuming, and I am just the vessel to do it. 

I had a life review. All the good things became SO prominent and flickered through my minds eye, the friendships, first crushes, care free, summer days, vacations, being a child, celebrating holidays, Christmas traditions, my grandmothers house, family, my parents. All of it. SO consuming. I am never alone, I never have been. Something so strong coming through me and I knew that it was not by accident or coincidence, it was meaningful, and it was only for me. 

And then, just like Fantasia, which is funny because Disney has always been magical growing up and nostalgic - just like at the closing of Night on Bald Mountain, the sound of church bells comes and Ave Maria begins to play, and light begins to take over the darkness as the evil demons and spirits begin to fall back away and asleep, the pressure released, and the experience became lighter. Still extremely jarring, the high was still there, but the darker forces had receded. The duality of darkness and light that I experienced, I knew I had the closest experience with the higher power that I have always known my whole life. It was there, then.

I called out and I fought and chose the light. A light that was already inside me that has always been there. Sacred triumph of hope and faith over the powers of darkness and profane. Darkness being driven away by the coming light of the dawn.

It's taken me days to process. To comprehend and integrate. A week later and I am still trying to make sense of it. I don't think I will, but I believe I understand.