This road is long... but I'm getting there.

 It's been some time. Stifled.

A slow process. I'm trying to fill it with wonder and enjoyment and appreciation and fulfillment. Discovering what that means for me. 

That every second of life cant be a dopamine hit. 

But I'm lacking somewhere or something. And I wonder why that is. I'm finally doing something with purpose and passion. Shouldn't that be enough? Is it just because I'm going through the messiness of starting a business? The lessons, the frustration, the delays, the highs, the lows, the confusion, the struggle, the success, all the things. That is something in itself. Will there always be this hunger? 

But it comes slow, in very small digestible bites. For me at least. It is my internal block that is causing this pace? Am I not ready? I will never be ready. There will never be a "go" time, I am already in it, doing it. 

The weeks go by and the progress is slow. I try to remind myself of all the positive reinforcements:

"Rome wasn't built in a day"

"Momentum doesn't always look like motion"

"Staying present with uncertainty without turning on yourself"

"Don't rush the process. Good things take time."

Well I'm frustrated. I'm inpatient. I'm not perfect and I'm not a robot. I have all the feelings about it.

Today I have mixed feelings, trying to remain positive, stay in the momentum, not allow the lull to swallow my drive. 

This is the current image on my browser screen:

A slow, single decent. Arriving... but not yet. Getting there. 

I am continuing to Get There. Wherever the next "there" is for me. Sacred Glow Salt Cave is that next there for me. 

Now that I'm thinking about it, it really is a monumental ask for outcome. Such a significant change in me, in my life, in my progress, in my perspective, in my growth, in my rebirth.

So much change. So fast. What could I possibly expect? 

It needs to be this way. 

I will see all the signs, I know the path is expanding in front of me and I am heading in the right direction. 

Some days it still doesn't seem real. Today is kind of one of those days.

I am torn in so many different directions where I want my attention and mind to go and to explore.

Are those side quests? 

I'm feeling the pull back to DMT. Not 5MeO, but just NN.

Is it because I'm inpatient? 

I've wanted to continue to go deeper, feeling like I'm ready for a "next step". Sometimes this process feels like agony. It goes on forever. I get bitter and resentful and I try to not let those emotions dominate. They are expected, part of the lesson. My lesson. 

I feel deep down I am blocking myself because I am terrified. Not terrified? Uncertain? I am doing something so huge, exposing myself in such a vulnerable way to the world. I am putting so much at stake here, when it shouldn't matter. It's so much unnecessary pressure. And that is something I am trying to explore simultaneously while building this business. My existence and consciousness. 

It's still very heavy and new. Time has passed from something significant and I am on to the next thing. But.

What also? It feels like the mirror is still not polished. Like it is blurred or there is a barrier I haven't yet broken free from? Or cleared? I'm not sure I need to continue to break free from anything. Just get more clarity. And what does that mean?

Terence McKenna

Alan Watts

Ram Dass

Danny Goler

Andrew Gallimore

Carl Hayden Smith

These have been voices of inspiration lately. Grounding. Settling. Reassuring by expanding the mind. Thought provoking. Challenging beliefs.  

I'm distracted. Apathetic today. Waiting. 

Trying to fill this void with color, and music, and photography, and experiences, teachings, philosophical minds, and lessons. Trying to shape and prepare for what is to come. 

I feel distant and isolated. That is of my own doing. I want to do so much so fast I want to get there to produce for the world. I am exhausted also. 

But trying to make an effort. The effort. Who am I trying to prove this to? 

Mixed emotions today. Restless.